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NFL Wild Card: Environmentalist Wacko Picks

By Scott Tibbs, January 6, 2012

Rush Limbaugh used to do a humorous bit on his radio show called "environmentalist wacko picks" for NFL games. He would predict the winners based on the team's mascots and who "deserves" to win the game. The NFL wild card playoffs are this weekend, and since I have not followed the NFL and know nothing about professional football, I will instead shamelessly rip off Limbaugh's gag and use it myself to predict this weekend's outcomes.

Cincinnati Bengals vs. Houston Texans

We have the magnificent Bengal tigers against that destroyer and pillager of planet Earth, mankind. Even worse, these men are from Texas, where they blaspheme our Earth Mother by drilling for Oil. The evil George W. Bush is from Texas too. Clearly, the Bengals deserve to win.

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Denver Broncos

You have another terrible crime against Gaia, the Steelers. How could anyone pollute the Earth Mother with the pollution brought about by making steel? On the other hand, you have creatures of nature, horses. Not only do they deserve to win on their own merits, but horses have been owned and oppressed by man for thousands of years. The Broncos deserve to win this one.

Detroit Lions vs. New Orleans Saints.

It is another matchup of animals against that evil crime against nature, man. Even worse, these are the Saints - meaning they are named after those who do not worship the only true goddess, Gaia. There should be no question for any true Environmentalist Wacko that the Kings of the Jungle deserve to win this game.

Atlanta Falcons vs. New York Giants

Before mankind defied Gaia by building blasphemous flying abominations that pollute our Earth Mother, the Hawks were one of many creatures that Gaia had given the gift of flight. The Giants also represent that paragon of evil, man. Not only that, but they are even bigger men so they are even more evil. The Falcons deserve to win.

Note for the terminally stupid: This is a parody. It is meant to ne a joke, nothing more. Lighten up.