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Santa Claus joins Homeland Security

By Scott Tibbs, December 13, 2007

Our friends at Crunchy Rigatoni News bring an interesting news but about the patron saint of Christmas, Santa Claus.

WASHINGTON - Officials from the Department of Homeland Security conformed rumors today that Chris Kringle, popularly known as Santa Claus, has taken on a position in the DHS and will be helping locate and eliminate terrorists. "It is a natural fit," said Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff. "Kringle sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, and terrorists are really bad."

Kringle said he was looking for a new challenge. "I've been spying on children for years to see if they are worthy of the Christmas presents my elves have been making in my workshop at the North Pole. That's not difficult at all, and the kids tend to behave better in December because they know my vast surveillance network really kicks into high gear then. I want to watch people who don't want to be found."

Kringle will be delivering an extra special present to al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, according to Chertoff. "I didn't think that magic bag was big enough to hold a Daisy Cutter, but he got it in there with plenty of room to spare." When asked what other "toys" Santa will be bringing to bin Laden and other terrorists, Chertoff quickly responded "that is classified information."

Not everyone is happy with the new arrangement. The Americans with Civil Liberties Union is concerned that Kringle is outside of the jurisdiction of the U.S. court system and cannot be held accountable for any abuses of civil rights or due process. "It is one thing when Kringle is spying on innocent American children, but we simply will not stand for Kringle infringing on the privacy rights of Islamic terrorists," said Nadine Strossen, President of the ACLU. Strossen could not comment further because she was scheduled to burn several American flags in the next fifteen minutes.

In an exclusive Crunchy Rigatoni News poll, 80% of Americans said their biggest concern is that Kringle's focus on watching Islamic terrorists will mean fewer Christmas presents. "With the miracle of outsourcing, that won't bee a problem," said Kringle. "We have contracted with several sweatshops in China to make high-quality toys for all the children of the world. We will be sending the toys FedEx and UPS so I can use my sleigh for aerial surveillance."

It is going to be a very interesting Christmas this year.

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